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  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE

   Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
   DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
   language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
   and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
   spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
   ours."
   The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
   almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
   organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
   exist.

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL

   From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
   VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.

   Here is a sample program:
   LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
   IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
   VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
   FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
   DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
   BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
   SURE
   LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
   REALLY
   LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
   IM*SURE
   GOTO THE MALL

   When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
   message:
   GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!

   THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK

   This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
   Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
   the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center was
   ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked.
   Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the center
   outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.
   Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
   and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case.
   For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message: "i
   hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can you find the
   time to try it again?"

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE

   SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
   Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
   Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
   with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END
   and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
   syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they
   achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the
   tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP

   This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
   an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
   to be useful in protheththing lithtth.

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL

   SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
   Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
   compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
   coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
   sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
   compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
   infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE

   Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
   unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
   are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE
   programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-

   This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
   submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
   best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
   language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
   statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar
   to COBOL.

  THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #19 -- FIFTH

   FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer
   to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
   FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
   Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET,
   GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
   The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
   financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
   VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and
   RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end
   up using this language.

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